How to Stop Shrinking to Make Others Comfortable

You’ve done it before—maybe without even realizing. You minimized your success in a conversation so you didn’t come off as “too proud.” You stayed quiet when you had something powerful to say, afraid of speaking your truth. You put your needs aside (again) because someone else needed something—and you didn’t want to seem difficult.

We call it humility, but this isn’t humility.

It’s shrinking.

And it’s exhausting.

Especially for moms.

We are taught, subtly and persistently, to be selfless—to “be there” for everyone else. But the dark side of that conditioning is a pattern of self-abandonment disguised as generosity. And when you shrink yourself to make others more comfortable, you lose touch with the full, radiant version of you.

It’s time to stop.

Why We Shrink Ourselves

This habit doesn’t come out of nowhere. Many of us learned to self-minimize as a survival strategy:

As kids, we were praised for being “low maintenance.” As teens, we were warned not to be “too much.” As adults, especially as moms, we are flooded with messages that say: “Good moms put everyone else first.”

And so we do.

Until we’re buried under our own silence.

Shrinking looks different for every woman:

Not speaking up in a meeting, even though you have ideas. Laughing off a disrespectful comment to keep the peace. Downplaying your ambitions because others might not understand.

For mothers, it can look like letting your identity disappear behind the title “mom,” even though you’re still an artist, a leader, a visionary, a force.

And the wisdom I’ve gained in all the experiences of shrinking?

When you shrink, your light dims—not just for you, but for everyone who needs to see it.

The Hidden Cost of Shrinking

Shrinking doesn’t just keep you small—it also keeps you stuck.

When you habitually minimize your needs, desires, talents, or voice, you slowly disconnect from your identity. You forget what lights you up. You become more reactive than intentional. And resentment starts to creep in—not just toward others, but toward yourself.

You may find yourself wondering:

Why does it seem like everyone else gets to shine?
Why do I always feel behind?
Why am I so tired?

Often, it’s because you’ve stopped claiming the power you’re meant to occupy. You’re dancing around others instead of standing rooted in your own purpose.

And guess what? No one benefits from your invisibility.

Your kids don’t learn confidence by watching you play small.

Your partner doesn’t gain more love when you sacrifice your joy.

Your community doesn’t thrive on your silence.

The world needs your fullness—not your fragments.

How to Stop Shrinking (Even If You’ve Been Doing It for Years)

Here’s the good news: shrinking is a habit, not a personality trait. And like any habit, it can be unlearned—with intention and practice.

1. Notice When You’re Shrinking

Awareness is everything. Start by observing your interactions:

Did you just apologize for no reason?
Did you downplay an accomplishment?
Did you say “yes” when you meant “no”?

Keep a daily log or quick mental check-in. Name the moment without judgment. The goal is to spot the pattern.

2. Validate Your Right to Take Up Space

This isn’t selfish—it’s sacred. Say it out loud if you need to:

“I am allowed to be seen, heard, and honored.”

You’re not asking for permission—you’re reclaiming your birthright.

3. Speak Up (Even When Your Voice Shakes)

Speaking up doesn’t always mean that you’ll sound like an alpha. You could be soft spoken and still hold your own. Start small: advocate for your preferences. Offer your opinion. Share your idea even if it feels bold. Each moment you step into visibility, you weaken the impulse to shrink.

4. Prioritize What Matters to You

Don’t just live for your to-do list. Return to the things that light you up—creativity, movement, connection, expression. Block time for them. These habits aren’t indulgences; they’re identity-affirming anchors.

5. Model Confidence for Your Kids

Want your children to grow up self-assured? Let them watch you:

Set boundaries
Own your accomplishments
Celebrate your joy

You’ll teach them more through your embodiment than any lecture.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Disappearance

Certainly, this isn’t about becoming loud or aggressive or self-centered. Those aren’t traits we should aspire to embody. It’s about becoming whole again.

It’s about shedding the silent rules that say you have to be small to be good.

It’s about rejecting the myth that your light must dim so someone else’s can shine.

It’s about returning to yourself.

Because here’s what no one tells you:

You can be loving and unapologetic. Generous and self-honoring. Fierce and tender.

You don’t have to choose between motherhood and identity. You can take center stage in your own life—and still be the strong, nurturing presence your family needs.

In fact, you’ll be even more powerful when you stop hiding.

Take Center Stage—Without Apology

This is the heartbeat of my book, Mom Take Center Stage—a love letter to moms who are ready to stop shrinking and start showing up as their whole, radiant selves.

In it, I share stories, prompts, and tools to help you: