We’ve been told the same story since the beginning of motherhood:
A “good mom” gives without limits.
She sacrifices without question.
She puts herself last, always.
It’s the narrative stitched into children’s books, commercials, and the way our own mothers and grandmothers lived. And yet — if we’re honest — that story is breaking us.
Here’s the truth: being a good mom has nothing to do with erasing yourself. In fact, the more you abandon your own needs, passions, and energy, the harder it becomes to show up as the mom (and woman) you actually want to be.
Today, I want to dismantle the myth of the selfless mother — not because selflessness is inherently bad, but because it’s only part of the picture. And if we never step outside it, we end up burned out, resentful, and disconnected from ourselves.
The Dangerous Myth of the Selfless Mom
Somewhere along the way, “selfless” became synonymous with “good.”
Selfless was the badge of honor. The measuring stick. The gold star of motherhood.
But this is the issue: when your worth is tied to how little you keep for yourself, you create an impossible standard. You teach your kids that a woman’s value is in how much she sacrifices, not in who she is.
Selflessness without boundaries is not virtue — it’s depletion.
And depletion doesn’t make you more loving, patient, or present. It makes you run on fumes, snapping at your kids, canceling on friends, and feeling a quiet ache for a life you’re not allowing yourself to live.
Why Selflessness Can’t Be the Goal
Let’s think about what happens when you run a car on empty. It doesn’t matter how committed you are to getting to the store, an appointment or anywhere else— you’re not moving without fuel.
The same goes for you. You can’t endlessly pour from an empty cup without consequences.
Those consequences look like:
- Constant exhaustion, even after a full night’s sleep
- Loss of interest in things you used to love
- Resentment toward your partner, kids, or friends
- A quiet, unspoken loneliness
- Feeling like you’ve “lost yourself”
And here’s the thing — you have lost something. Not your worth, not your love for your kids, but your permission to matter in your own life.
The Model We Pass Down
We don’t just live out the selfless-mom myth — we model it. Our kids are watching.
If they see us give up every passion, hobby, and spark of individuality in service of everyone else, they’ll learn that’s what “good” looks like. Our daughters will grow into women who think self-abandonment is normal. Our sons will grow into men who expect it from the women in their lives.
But imagine this instead:
Your kids see you take time for yourself without apology. They watch you nurture your passions, whether it’s writing, running, or learning a new skill. They see you set boundaries and say no when something doesn’t align.
This isn’t selfishness. It’s leadership.
What “Good” Could Really Mean
What if “good mom” meant…
- Present, but not depleted
- Loving, but with healthy limits
- Supportive, but also self-supporting
- Strong enough to show your kids the joy of a whole, authentic life
You don’t have to swing to the other extreme and become self-centered. Instead, it’s about balance — filling your cup so you can pour without resentment.
Giving Without Disappearing
So how do you give to your family without disappearing?
Here are some simple but powerful shifts:
1. Schedule “non-negotiable” time for yourself
Treat it like a doctor’s appointment — no last-minute cancellations. Even 20 minutes counts.
2. Say no without over-explaining
You don’t need to justify why you can’t volunteer for the bake sale this time. “No” is complete.
3. Protect your passions
Whether it’s painting, gardening, or lifting weights, guard it. This is the oxygen mask you put on first.
4. Ask for help without guilt
Delegating is not weakness. It’s wisdom.
5. Redefine rest
Rest is not laziness. It’s essential maintenance for your mind and body.
The Resistance You’ll Feel
If you’ve spent years putting yourself last, choosing yourself will feel wrong at first. You might hear:
- “Must be nice to have time for that.”
- “I wish I could, but I have too much going on.
- Or your own inner critic whispering, You’re being selfish.
But remember — the discomfort isn’t proof you’re doing something wrong. It’s proof you’re breaking an old pattern.
Your Life is the Stage, Not the Background
If you’ve preordered my book Mom Take Center Stage, once you read it, you’ll know this is at the heart of my message: your life is not meant to be lived in the wings while everyone else gets the spotlight.
- You are allowed to be visible.
- You are allowed to pursue your joy.
- You are allowed to live a big, beautiful, unapologetic life and be a phenomenal mom.
When you take center stage, you give your kids a front-row seat to what’s possible.
A New Definition of “Good”
Being a “good mom” isn’t about how much of yourself you erase. It’s about how fully you live — so you can love from a place of abundance, not depletion.
You don’t have to be selfless to be good. You just have to be whole.
Let’s Talk
Do you struggle with the idea of putting yourself first? Or have you found ways to balance your needs with motherhood? Share your thoughts in the comments — I’d love to hear your story.
Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@jordanbauer
