”Let go of the guilt, the comparison, the worry, and do something simple today: Appreciate one simple thing about yourself. You’re doing the best you know how, and you’re doing pretty great in a lot of ways.”- Carol Tuttle
Mom, mommy, mama, mother, bro, bruh. We are infamously known by many names and we wear the pride of those titles like a true super mom. And we are, aren’t we. While we may not think we are, we epitomize the super in our moming responsibilities quite well. This is the one job where there are no known merits or accolades collected. You are a mom and therefore you do the things for your family. You wake up, wash, rinse, repeat. Somehow along the way, although you have done your darndest to do an exemplary job, we moms can’t help but embody the guilt of not doing enough. Dealing with mom guilt is very real.
It’s true, we become bombarded with society’s expectations of what kind of mom we should be. There are drawbacks on every front. Whether you’re a stay at home mom (SAHM) or you go out to provide and contribute to the family, there are always going to be those expectations that society highlights. Stay at home moms typically aren’t financial providers so naturally either they are made to feel inadequate or they themselves start to feel lost in the daily to dos of motherhood. Working moms on the other hand, may be overwhelmed also by external and internal guilt that dictates that you aren’t doing enough for your children. You are working and prioritizing your career, therefore, you are a bad mom or an inattentive mom. Feelings of “not there enough” can be too much to bear.
This inadequacy is often perpetuated by others who project that lack. Maybe they nitpick on mom because she doesn’t have it all together or it seems that those kids are not the innocent angels that she should have raised them to be. Some moms may not have their nails done, hair did and a full face of make up on in the prime of raising kids and that’s ok. Moms, in case society has forgotten, are people, are human beings. We feel things and we aren’t infallible.
The harm of social media is it projects women and moms to be perfection and that’s the issue. We see so many women whose lives appear to be a magazine cover. They look beautiful. They appear to be thriving. Their homes have no messes and look like it hasn’t been touched…ever! But this isn’t reality. Reality for us normes, the normal ones, is that shit (pardon my French) gets real.
Life is imperfect and messy and there are crumbs on my island and legos on my floor and the bathroom counter top is always stained with toothpaste. It is my bane and the kids don’t seem to care. All of these things are true for the majority of American moms and moms everywhere. But media moms are displaying their perfectionist homes that are kept via an entire hired village. And we are sitting at home thinking, how can I ever measure up?
Darling, you don’t need anyone else’s measuring stick. You measure up just fine. Listen, the women that we view on many social channels have house managers, maids and an entire dedicated team of people to aid their need for perfection. They like things put in their respective places and they have people who place those things in their place. Simple as that. I’m not hating on that life. I’m simply saying it’s easy to compare yourself to someone else’s impossible standards. And we are never privy to the secret of such perfection. We assume they do it all, when we struggle to do half our to do list.
The catch 22 is that life looks attractive, NO DOUBT. Though we are never brought into the secret society of rich moms. They have not said, “I’m not doing half the stuff you think I’m doing.” These are impossible standards and thus, the feelings of mom guilt persist. Maybe there will be a day when we too can afford to outsource these things and life will be easier. When that day comes, I want to be honest and give hope to the moms who don’t yet understand the inner workings of the secret society of moms who can delegate and outsource and build teams to make their lives simpler. The perfect mom is a mythical creature and she does not exist. You are unique and bold and beautiful and a great mom, but you don’t need to be perfect.
Sometimes even cultural expectations turn the mom guilt meter on. Some cultures expect moms to be solely dedicated to their families and the moment they do something for themselves, they are harshly judged. You still matter. My sons are fifteen and eleven and I have done my time. I have been there for them, like you. Shuffling them around to and from school, to after-school activities, lessons, parties, doctors and dentist appointments and this list is endless. Yes, I’m still very dedicated to my children and will always be and I will be there for them forever. However it is entirely plausible to establish independence during this process.
Start cheering for yourself. Know yourself. It’s ok to have your own needs and wants and ambitions. Be confident enough to stand strong. There will be the day that your children, like mine, will move on. They will have their own lives and while we are a close knit family, I would never want to stifle their dreams. I want them to know that they can fly because I will too. Your identity does not have to be attached to your children. You can have your own unique purpose and identity.
Start to set realistic boundaries. Boundaries are good. It’s ok to say no. You do not have to be a slave to yeses. There should be time when you prioritize your self care and to do that, no will have to be your friend.
It’s ok to ask for help. You have a partner, family and friends. Don’t give supermom 24/7. Mom vibes with a side of I need your help is ok. Asking for help is never wrong. Lean into asking and showing gratitude when people show up for you.
The long term benefits of reclaiming yourself will showcase to your children that they too can be fantastic moms/parents when the time comes and at the same time establish a healthy sense of identity. When you confidently show who you truly are, you develop a deep connection to self, loved ones, your spouse and children. Overcoming mom guilt is a journey, not a destination. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Embrace the imperfection that is life and seek to find your kind of balance. Balance for all of us is different. Embrace it with that knowledge and remember you deserve to live a life untethered, full and flourishing. You are not only mom. You certainly are not mom guilt. You are enough and you are uniquely you.
