As moms, we’re conditioned to put others first. From the moment our babies arrive, the world seems to whisper (and sometimes shout) that our needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s. We’re expected to manage schedules, meals, laundry, work, friendships, and, oh yes, our own sanity—with a smile. And somewhere along the way, many of us learn to shrink ourselves, dim our presence, and play small so that everyone else feels comfortable.
But here’s the truth: shrinking never served anyone—especially you.
Why Moms Shrink
Shrinking isn’t just about standing quietly in a crowded room or avoiding conflict. It shows up in subtle ways every day:
Silencing your voice: You avoid sharing your opinions in meetings, with friends, or even at the dinner table because “someone else might feel uncomfortable.”
Downplaying your achievements: That promotion, successful project, or even completing a 5K feels less important than celebrating your child’s milestones.
Hiding your wants and needs: You don’t ask for help, you skip self-care, and you compromise your own goals to avoid making waves.
Shrinking often stems from fear—fear of judgment, rejection, or making others feel “less than.” It’s a deeply ingrained behavior for many women, and moms are especially susceptible because we’re taught to be selfless caregivers. But shrinking comes at a cost: it erodes confidence, fuels resentment, and leaves us disconnected from the very lives we’re trying to nurture.
The Confidence Lesson: You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Presence
Here’s a powerful lesson every mom needs to hear: you can exist fully without shrinking. You can claim your power, speak up, and prioritize your needs without guilt. Confidence isn’t about being louder than anyone else—it’s about being unapologetically yourself, even if it makes someone else momentarily uncomfortable.
Let me give you an example from my own life. I used to avoid discussing my goals at social gatherings because I worried friends might think I was “showing off.” I dimmed my excitement, downplayed my achievements, and let opportunities pass because I feared standing out. But each time I shrank, I felt smaller and more invisible.
Then one day, I made a conscious choice to speak up, even when it felt uncomfortable. I shared my ambitions, celebrated my wins, and asked for support where I needed it. The result? Connections deepened, opportunities multiplied, and I realized that discomfort is temporary—but regret lasts much longer.
How Shrinking Impacts Moms—and Our Families
Shrinking doesn’t just affect your confidence; it subtly shapes your children’s perceptions too. Kids are incredibly perceptive. When they see you dimming yourself, avoiding your own dreams, or apologizing for your needs, they internalize the message that self-worth is negotiable.
Conversely, when you model confidence, self-respect, and authenticity—even in small, everyday ways—you teach your children a lesson that lasts a lifetime: it’s okay to be yourself, to speak your truth, and to claim your agency unapologetically.
Confidence isn’t just a personal victory; it’s a gift to your family. It says, “I value myself, and I want you to value yourself too.”
Practical Steps to Stop Shrinking
Building confidence as a mom doesn’t happen overnight, but it can happen with intentional practice.
Here are actionable ways to reclaim your space and your voice:
1. Name When You’re Shrinking
Start by noticing the moments you dim your presence.
- Are you avoiding sharing an opinion?
- Saying yes when you want to say no?
- Making yourself invisible to avoid discomfort?
- Naming these behaviors is the first step to breaking the cycle.
2. Practice Saying “No” Without Guilt
Boundaries are a confidence powerhouse. Saying no isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect.
Start small: decline a social invitation that drains you, ask for help with chores, or set limits on work calls during family time. Each “no” strengthens your sense of self.
3. Celebrate Your Wins—Loudly
Stop brushing off accomplishments.
- Did you nail that work project?
- Finish a personal goal?
- Survive the chaos of a packed week without losing your mind? Celebrate it. Tell someone. Post it in your journal. Your wins matter, and celebrating them reinforces your confidence.
4. Surround Yourself with Support
Confidence is contagious. Seek friends, mentors, or online communities that uplift you, not those that pull you back into self-doubt. Remove or limit exposure to voices that make you feel “too much” or “not enough.”
5. Reclaim Your Time
Time is your most valuable resource. Schedule it for yourself, even if it’s just 15–20 minutes a day. Read, meditate, exercise, or pursue a creative hobby. Showing up for yourself regularly reinforces that your presence matters.
6. Practice Presence in Everyday Moments
Confidence doesn’t always show up as grand gestures. It often lives in the subtle ways we occupy space: speaking up in a meeting, asserting your opinion politely but firmly, or maintaining eye contact when sharing ideas. Each small act builds momentum.
The Power of Saying “Enough”
Moms, here’s a little secret: no one else will set the standard for your self-worth. Only you can decide to stand tall in your worth and how fully you live your life. Shrinking might feel like the “easy” option, but it never leads to fulfillment.
When you start saying, “I’ve had enough of dimming myself,” you open the door to a life that feels more vibrant, more aligned, and more joyful. You teach your children that self-respect isn’t optional—it’s essential. You model that confidence is not a personality trait you’re born with; it’s a skill you can develop.
Confidence Is a Muscle—And Moms Can Train It
If you’re worried that confidence is something you either have or don’t, think again. Confidence is a muscle. The more you practice, the stronger it gets. And yes, it can be challenging, especially when you’ve spent years shrinking to make others comfortable. But with consistent practice, it becomes second nature.
Start with small, everyday actions.
- Express your opinions in family discussions.
- Speak up at school events. Ask for help when needed.
Each small victory adds weight to your confidence bank, and over time, the accumulation becomes unstoppable.
Embrace the Uncomfortable—It’s Where Growth Lives
Here’s a truth that will change everything: discomfort is a sign you’re doing something right. If people feel a little unsettled when you step fully into yourself, that’s not your problem—it’s a natural byproduct of being an unstoppable force of worth and certainty. You cannot control how others react, but you can control how you show up.
Growth, power, and confidence live just beyond the boundaries of comfort. Moms, we’re often so focused on keeping others comfortable that we forget to prioritize our own growth. It’s time to flip the script.
Stop Shrinking, Start Living
You are allowed to:
- Speak your mind without apology.
- Celebrate your wins without guilt.
- Ask for what you need without hesitation.
- Be true to yourself without fear.
Shrinking to make others comfortable may feel safe, but it comes at the cost of your happiness, your confidence, and your family’s understanding of self-worth. Stop shrinking. Start showing up fully. And remember: every time you step into your confidence, you light the way for your children—and other moms—to do the same.
If you’re ready to fully embrace your confidence and reclaim your life as a mom who won’t apologize for her presence, my book Mom, Take Center Stage: Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Unstoppable. A Guide for Moms Ready to… is packed with practical lessons, personal stories, and mindset tools to help you stop shrinking and start living unapologetically.
Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@dnevozhai
